Entry tags:
Entry tags:
(no subject)
My Friendos of ALL Varieties,
I was really beating myself up about not writing a blog post every day for Blaugust. Then I stopped and thought about it and realized I'm really not good at this type of challenge. I've participated in #junkjournaljanuary and #junkjournaljuly hosted by![[profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
megjournals several times now, and I have *never* done all 31 days. I find it very difficult to create on demand, so I feel kind of doomed to fail. But, it's not really "failing". These challenges motivate me to create *some*, and I call that a win. Plus there are other people participating, so I get to interact with them in a way I don't normally.
I'm keeping this one short and sweet, 'cause it's past my bedtime. If you're participating in Blaugust, how is it going for you?
As always, please remember to drink some water, stop scrolling, and love yourself with the same ferocity that you love others! You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are.
Love,
Izzy
I was really beating myself up about not writing a blog post every day for Blaugust. Then I stopped and thought about it and realized I'm really not good at this type of challenge. I've participated in #junkjournaljanuary and #junkjournaljuly hosted by
megjournals several times now, and I have *never* done all 31 days. I find it very difficult to create on demand, so I feel kind of doomed to fail. But, it's not really "failing". These challenges motivate me to create *some*, and I call that a win. Plus there are other people participating, so I get to interact with them in a way I don't normally.I'm keeping this one short and sweet, 'cause it's past my bedtime. If you're participating in Blaugust, how is it going for you?
As always, please remember to drink some water, stop scrolling, and love yourself with the same ferocity that you love others! You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are.
Love,
Izzy
Entry tags:
Ahem
My Friendos of ALL Varieties,
I've been watching the Marvel movies, in chronological story order. I've seen about 2/3 of them, and I've enjoyed most of them. I just finished Avengers: Age of Ultron, and I have a lot of thoughts. But what I want to talk about today is voices.
I think James Spader has one of *the* creepiest voices in existence. The roles he chooses lend themselves to that. And I think he's a good actor. But I would NOT want him talking to me at this time of night - 1:51 AM.
It occurred to me as I watched Guardians of the Galaxy just how much I *hated* Nebula's voice. The actress, Karen Gillian, is good, and her voice is fine. But as Nebula, it reminds me of how my voice sounds after I've been violently ill, hoarse and raspy. I can see why that's the choice she/Marvel made. But it doesn't make it any more pleasant to listen to.
I love a good voice. And song. And sound in general. I don't know if there's a word for people who really love sounds, but I am that. I'm also very sensitive to sounds. Hearing a child cry makes me want to *RIP* *OUT* *MY* *BRAIN*. It just HURTS.
I have really bad vision. I feel like my other sense try to make up for it. I was a drug-sniffing dog in another life...
I just keep thinking about people's voices though. Matt, my (this is me trying to think of a good term for them - they're my everything.) has a beautiful voice. They worked for a time at a crisis/suicide hotline. It was a good fit for them, because their voice is just Home. It is so very soothing, and beautiful, and lovely, and warm. They started reading to me, quite a while ago now, during one of my panic attacks. They started by reading me their favorite children's books, which are now some of my favorite books I've ever read. The series I love the most is Winnie the Pooh. I never read or watched it growing up. And I knew *OF* WTP, but nothing much about the outpouring of love that is The Hundred Acre Wood. It is absolutely stunning. It's a marvelous fit to listen to at bedtime, especially as read by my Sweetie.
I don't think I'll ever get to have my life narrated by Morgan Freeman, which is probably a good thing. After the 39th "What the fuck?!", it starts to grate on you. But, I do get to have Matt read me Winnie the Pooh, and that's pretty damned awesome!
I'm not sure how I managed to go from how unnerving James Spader is to how warm and inviting hearing Winnie the Pooh is as read by Matt. But when someone is so much a part of your heart and soul, they do tend to come up a lot. I am so incredibly lucky, and honored, to be loved by one such as them.
Goodnight Friendos!
As always, please remember to drink some water, stop scrolling, and love yourself with the same ferocity that you love others! You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are.
Love,
Izzy
I've been watching the Marvel movies, in chronological story order. I've seen about 2/3 of them, and I've enjoyed most of them. I just finished Avengers: Age of Ultron, and I have a lot of thoughts. But what I want to talk about today is voices.
I think James Spader has one of *the* creepiest voices in existence. The roles he chooses lend themselves to that. And I think he's a good actor. But I would NOT want him talking to me at this time of night - 1:51 AM.
It occurred to me as I watched Guardians of the Galaxy just how much I *hated* Nebula's voice. The actress, Karen Gillian, is good, and her voice is fine. But as Nebula, it reminds me of how my voice sounds after I've been violently ill, hoarse and raspy. I can see why that's the choice she/Marvel made. But it doesn't make it any more pleasant to listen to.
I love a good voice. And song. And sound in general. I don't know if there's a word for people who really love sounds, but I am that. I'm also very sensitive to sounds. Hearing a child cry makes me want to *RIP* *OUT* *MY* *BRAIN*. It just HURTS.
I have really bad vision. I feel like my other sense try to make up for it. I was a drug-sniffing dog in another life...
I just keep thinking about people's voices though. Matt, my (this is me trying to think of a good term for them - they're my everything.) has a beautiful voice. They worked for a time at a crisis/suicide hotline. It was a good fit for them, because their voice is just Home. It is so very soothing, and beautiful, and lovely, and warm. They started reading to me, quite a while ago now, during one of my panic attacks. They started by reading me their favorite children's books, which are now some of my favorite books I've ever read. The series I love the most is Winnie the Pooh. I never read or watched it growing up. And I knew *OF* WTP, but nothing much about the outpouring of love that is The Hundred Acre Wood. It is absolutely stunning. It's a marvelous fit to listen to at bedtime, especially as read by my Sweetie.
I don't think I'll ever get to have my life narrated by Morgan Freeman, which is probably a good thing. After the 39th "What the fuck?!", it starts to grate on you. But, I do get to have Matt read me Winnie the Pooh, and that's pretty damned awesome!
I'm not sure how I managed to go from how unnerving James Spader is to how warm and inviting hearing Winnie the Pooh is as read by Matt. But when someone is so much a part of your heart and soul, they do tend to come up a lot. I am so incredibly lucky, and honored, to be loved by one such as them.
Goodnight Friendos!
As always, please remember to drink some water, stop scrolling, and love yourself with the same ferocity that you love others! You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are.
Love,
Izzy
Blaugust 2025!
Hello Friendos of ALL Varieties!
I am joining Blaugust 2025! It's 10:05 PM on the second day, so I'm already off to a great start! To be fair, I spent a few hours earlier reading up on what it IS/creating the necessary accounts to participate - then needed a break from all the screens and entering my email 800 times, so I watched 2 Marvel movies. But I'm here now!
I love reading. I love learning. I love learning about other people's perspectives, daily lives, wisdom, loves, experiences, feelings, etc. *through* reading. I do not, as of yet, love blogs.
Let me explain. I correspond with hundreds of individuals throughout the globe by way of penpal letters. I have for nearly 10 years. It is one of the most rewarding "hobbies" (I'm not sure that adequately expresses what it is to me) I've ever had.
I have enjoyed a blog post on occasion. However, I find it hard to keep up with any blog - including my amazing House Spouse's - because of the idiosyncrasies and complete lack of uniformity of blogs. There are multiple websites / platforms / avenues to get to each individual blog, and that creates a LOT of *friction* for my already bogged down Brain.
That said, I am learning more about the Blogosphere and *how* to keep up, as well as be a more active participant. This is my first time participating in Blaugust, and I'm really hopeful it will enlighten me, and help me be a better blogger, reader of blogs, and creative, awesome human overall. That sounds like a tall order, but I've seen what creative people can do. I have faith.
I don't really know what I'll write about each day in August, but I definitely have lots to say. And a heckin' LOT of blogs to check out and enjoy and possibly react to.
I encourage you to join Blaugust if you haven't already! The link for the original post for this year is here:
https://nerdgirlthoughts.game.blog/2025/07/10/blaugust-2025-is-coming/
I look forward to this Adventure, and hope to see you there!
Please remember to drink some water, stop scrolling, and love yourself with the same ferocity that you love others! You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are.
Love,
Izzy
I am joining Blaugust 2025! It's 10:05 PM on the second day, so I'm already off to a great start! To be fair, I spent a few hours earlier reading up on what it IS/creating the necessary accounts to participate - then needed a break from all the screens and entering my email 800 times, so I watched 2 Marvel movies. But I'm here now!
I love reading. I love learning. I love learning about other people's perspectives, daily lives, wisdom, loves, experiences, feelings, etc. *through* reading. I do not, as of yet, love blogs.
Let me explain. I correspond with hundreds of individuals throughout the globe by way of penpal letters. I have for nearly 10 years. It is one of the most rewarding "hobbies" (I'm not sure that adequately expresses what it is to me) I've ever had.
I have enjoyed a blog post on occasion. However, I find it hard to keep up with any blog - including my amazing House Spouse's - because of the idiosyncrasies and complete lack of uniformity of blogs. There are multiple websites / platforms / avenues to get to each individual blog, and that creates a LOT of *friction* for my already bogged down Brain.
That said, I am learning more about the Blogosphere and *how* to keep up, as well as be a more active participant. This is my first time participating in Blaugust, and I'm really hopeful it will enlighten me, and help me be a better blogger, reader of blogs, and creative, awesome human overall. That sounds like a tall order, but I've seen what creative people can do. I have faith.
I don't really know what I'll write about each day in August, but I definitely have lots to say. And a heckin' LOT of blogs to check out and enjoy and possibly react to.
I encourage you to join Blaugust if you haven't already! The link for the original post for this year is here:
https://nerdgirlthoughts.game.blog/2025/07/10/blaugust-2025-is-coming/
I look forward to this Adventure, and hope to see you there!
Please remember to drink some water, stop scrolling, and love yourself with the same ferocity that you love others! You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are.
Love,
Izzy
Entry tags:
Luckiest Roll of All!
My Friendos of ALL Varieties,
I've been pondering this evening on the differences between "The One" and *"someone"*. In my case, "boyfriends" vs. "My House Spouse / Life Partner / Sweetie / Love of my Life / Partner in Crime / and alllll the other names I bestow upon My Beloved".
I had a boyfriend many years ago, another lifetime ago. He once told me that I "was not nerdy enough". So many thoughts!
1. What the actual fuck does that even mean???
2. "Enough" for what? To match his supposed "enough"?
3. He wasn't *ANYTHING* enough for me.
4. Fuck that noise!
That *hurt* me DEEPLY. I think any time someone who you care about says you're "not enough" ***for them***, it hurts.
I have carried that with me for YEARS.
Today, I spent hours cleaning my Sweetie's mechanical keyboard. It was a labor of love. And they said, in response to my teasing that I had done *something*... "And you have a loving, mischievous House Spouse. 😍",
"Hehe yiss. Luckiest roll of all! 🥰".
Guys, I nearly cried! It was balm to that old wound. It was one of thousands of green flags. It was them, showing me in all their nerdy awesomeness, that they love me. It was a moment of beauty that I will not soon forget.
It is so easy to get caught up in your own crap. Your own *valid - but sometimes ill-focused* feelings. Your irritation at something completely not important that they do differently ---NOT WRONGLY--- from you. So much stuff like that.
It's terribly easy to overlook the ways they love you. The "Be safe. You is precious cargo!" text before you leave. The utterly cute GIF's they send you, because they are thinking of you. The way they make you dinner when you just can't, and they want you to have something more substantial than a sandwich. The way they go to work every single fucking day to take care of your family. The way they overlook those inconsequential things YOU do differently ---NOT WRONGLY--- from them. The way they ALWAYS say "Of course." when you thank them for something. Every single time. Because it's completely obvious that they would do that thing for you. Every single time.
Please don't fall into the "everyday"-ness of Life and forget to celebrate your love! It can be fatal to the relationship. And they deserve to be celebrated.
Sending you all patience for those little things that truly are SO little. And so much love to share with them and yourself!
Please remember to drink some water, stop scrolling, and love yourself with the same ferocity that you love others! You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are.
Love,
Izzy
I've been pondering this evening on the differences between "The One" and *"someone"*. In my case, "boyfriends" vs. "My House Spouse / Life Partner / Sweetie / Love of my Life / Partner in Crime / and alllll the other names I bestow upon My Beloved".
I had a boyfriend many years ago, another lifetime ago. He once told me that I "was not nerdy enough". So many thoughts!
1. What the actual fuck does that even mean???
2. "Enough" for what? To match his supposed "enough"?
3. He wasn't *ANYTHING* enough for me.
4. Fuck that noise!
That *hurt* me DEEPLY. I think any time someone who you care about says you're "not enough" ***for them***, it hurts.
I have carried that with me for YEARS.
Today, I spent hours cleaning my Sweetie's mechanical keyboard. It was a labor of love. And they said, in response to my teasing that I had done *something*... "And you have a loving, mischievous House Spouse. 😍",
"Hehe yiss. Luckiest roll of all! 🥰".
Guys, I nearly cried! It was balm to that old wound. It was one of thousands of green flags. It was them, showing me in all their nerdy awesomeness, that they love me. It was a moment of beauty that I will not soon forget.
It is so easy to get caught up in your own crap. Your own *valid - but sometimes ill-focused* feelings. Your irritation at something completely not important that they do differently ---NOT WRONGLY--- from you. So much stuff like that.
It's terribly easy to overlook the ways they love you. The "Be safe. You is precious cargo!" text before you leave. The utterly cute GIF's they send you, because they are thinking of you. The way they make you dinner when you just can't, and they want you to have something more substantial than a sandwich. The way they go to work every single fucking day to take care of your family. The way they overlook those inconsequential things YOU do differently ---NOT WRONGLY--- from them. The way they ALWAYS say "Of course." when you thank them for something. Every single time. Because it's completely obvious that they would do that thing for you. Every single time.
Please don't fall into the "everyday"-ness of Life and forget to celebrate your love! It can be fatal to the relationship. And they deserve to be celebrated.
Sending you all patience for those little things that truly are SO little. And so much love to share with them and yourself!
Please remember to drink some water, stop scrolling, and love yourself with the same ferocity that you love others! You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are.
Love,
Izzy
Entry tags:
To My Penpals
My Friendos of ALL Varieties,
Hello my loves! It has been far too long since I was able to send out Happy Mail. I'm getting back into it finally! I wanted to give you a link to my profile on Sendsomething.net - the BEST penpal site! I've gotten it restored to most of its former beauty.
https://sendsomething.net/user/389e2609-fb8e-4a0a-acc1-93a093ff50bf
I hope to see you in my mailbox!
Please remember to drink some water, stop scrolling, and love yourself with the same ferocity that you love others! You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are.
Love,
Izzy
Hello my loves! It has been far too long since I was able to send out Happy Mail. I'm getting back into it finally! I wanted to give you a link to my profile on Sendsomething.net - the BEST penpal site! I've gotten it restored to most of its former beauty.
https://sendsomething.net/user/389e2609-fb8e-4a0a-acc1-93a093ff50bf
I hope to see you in my mailbox!
Please remember to drink some water, stop scrolling, and love yourself with the same ferocity that you love others! You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are.
Love,
Izzy
Entry tags:
Why "Waxing Poetic About Life"?
My Friendos of ALL Varieties,
I've wanted to have a blog for some time now. I have tried a couple times, but I struggle to be consistent. But, those were The Before Times, when I could chat to my Friendos all day. When I felt safe(ish) to do so. When I had the Spoons to do so.
So, I am starting again on this site, which has been highly recommended from my Heckin' Sweetie, Matt. Their online hub is located here: https://mattbee.zone/p/ I highly recommend checking it out! Yes, I'm biased, but you're on my blog, so that's allowed. :P
Matt is a gifted writer. And they share a lot online that they don't necessarily in person. I want to have that kind of environment to show off my favorite turns of phrase, as well as "wax poetic" about how utterly resplendent my life is. Not all of my entries will be happy, but I'd like the majority to be. I have a lot of mental illnesses, which often include intrusive thoughts, panic, soul-sucking depression... and having a dedicated place to brag, obsess over things that make me happy, share beauty is going to help my Brain a lot.
I've started reading again (my ADHD makes *starting* a book really challenging), and it has galvanized me to be brave, vulnerable, and share my experiences with others. I tend to read multiple books at once (see ADHD), and I'm currently reading several that are focused on racism in America/WW II, and other similar HEAVY topics. I did find a lighter book to give my heart a break from all the utterly FUCKED UP history - and PRESENT - in this country. One of the things that surprised me is the education I'm getting in the microaggressions that I, and the majority of "not racist" people, are ingrained with, and completely oblivious to. I'm incredibly grateful to have access to so many books and perspectives and resources that people before us didn't have. It can be overwhelming, but the benefits of being able to read the voices and hearts of people all over the world, throughout history, is entirely worth the slight overwhelm on occasion.
I have to mention penpalling here, because it is a very similar magic and ENDLESS resource! I have penpals all over the world, in several time zones. I wouldn't be able to communicate with my Aussie adopted sister, Hannah, when she's awake during my nights if it weren't for penpalling (and insomnia, but that's not what we're talking about). I would NEVER have communicated with an inmate in an Oregon prison. His name is Scott, and he is one of my dearest Friendos. I'm hopeful that he will be released and will be able to attend the Wed-ebration Matt and I will have. That is deserving of its own post. I would not have been able to "meet" and learn about people from so many different areas / in different stages of life / with different backgrounds and perspectives if not for penpalling! I will do a post about my experiences with penpalling soon, so if you have questions, please feel free to comment them!
I mentioned loving "turns of phrase". I absolutely LOVE quotes. I collect them. If you ever want to make me smile, give me a quote. My current mantra is "I'm no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I'm changing the things I cannot accept." - Angela Y. Davis. I feel like this describes me well. I absolutely HATE "It is what it is."!! It's so defeatist! And I do know, sometimes you honestly can't change things. But, I feel that far more often, you can. And it's always worth asking!
On that note, I'm gonna sign off for now. I'm very excited to be blogging again, and I have to make sure I am not letting it take over my days.
Please remember to drink some water, stop scrolling, and love yourself with the same ferocity that you love others! You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are.
Love,
Izzy
I've wanted to have a blog for some time now. I have tried a couple times, but I struggle to be consistent. But, those were The Before Times, when I could chat to my Friendos all day. When I felt safe(ish) to do so. When I had the Spoons to do so.
So, I am starting again on this site, which has been highly recommended from my Heckin' Sweetie, Matt. Their online hub is located here: https://mattbee.zone/p/ I highly recommend checking it out! Yes, I'm biased, but you're on my blog, so that's allowed. :P
Matt is a gifted writer. And they share a lot online that they don't necessarily in person. I want to have that kind of environment to show off my favorite turns of phrase, as well as "wax poetic" about how utterly resplendent my life is. Not all of my entries will be happy, but I'd like the majority to be. I have a lot of mental illnesses, which often include intrusive thoughts, panic, soul-sucking depression... and having a dedicated place to brag, obsess over things that make me happy, share beauty is going to help my Brain a lot.
I've started reading again (my ADHD makes *starting* a book really challenging), and it has galvanized me to be brave, vulnerable, and share my experiences with others. I tend to read multiple books at once (see ADHD), and I'm currently reading several that are focused on racism in America/WW II, and other similar HEAVY topics. I did find a lighter book to give my heart a break from all the utterly FUCKED UP history - and PRESENT - in this country. One of the things that surprised me is the education I'm getting in the microaggressions that I, and the majority of "not racist" people, are ingrained with, and completely oblivious to. I'm incredibly grateful to have access to so many books and perspectives and resources that people before us didn't have. It can be overwhelming, but the benefits of being able to read the voices and hearts of people all over the world, throughout history, is entirely worth the slight overwhelm on occasion.
I have to mention penpalling here, because it is a very similar magic and ENDLESS resource! I have penpals all over the world, in several time zones. I wouldn't be able to communicate with my Aussie adopted sister, Hannah, when she's awake during my nights if it weren't for penpalling (and insomnia, but that's not what we're talking about). I would NEVER have communicated with an inmate in an Oregon prison. His name is Scott, and he is one of my dearest Friendos. I'm hopeful that he will be released and will be able to attend the Wed-ebration Matt and I will have. That is deserving of its own post. I would not have been able to "meet" and learn about people from so many different areas / in different stages of life / with different backgrounds and perspectives if not for penpalling! I will do a post about my experiences with penpalling soon, so if you have questions, please feel free to comment them!
I mentioned loving "turns of phrase". I absolutely LOVE quotes. I collect them. If you ever want to make me smile, give me a quote. My current mantra is "I'm no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I'm changing the things I cannot accept." - Angela Y. Davis. I feel like this describes me well. I absolutely HATE "It is what it is."!! It's so defeatist! And I do know, sometimes you honestly can't change things. But, I feel that far more often, you can. And it's always worth asking!
On that note, I'm gonna sign off for now. I'm very excited to be blogging again, and I have to make sure I am not letting it take over my days.
Please remember to drink some water, stop scrolling, and love yourself with the same ferocity that you love others! You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are.
Love,
Izzy
Entry tags:
Where Have I Been?
My Friendos of ALL Varieties - especially my Beloved Penpals,
I've AGONIZED over what/how much to tell you about where I've been. In the interest of my sanity, respect for you, and my unflinching goal of vulnerability, I am going to tell you the truth - what *my* reality has been. I hope you are able to understand to some degree, and forgive me.
I mentioned my mental illnesses in the Introduction to my blog, because they impact me every day, sometimes all day. I have been *in treatment* for them for over 20 years. This has included Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and a smorgasbord of medications, cocktails of medications, etc. I was misdiagnosed, and only got the correct diagnosis of BiPolar 2 on July 2nd, 2024. So, the majority of the 20 years of my treatment haven't been super effective. This is a whole separate discussion, and I will make a post about it at some point.
Because of my Brain (I capitalize it because I feel it is its own entity, and NOT governed by me.), I have difficulties with various aspects of my life. I also have C-PTSD, which makes most things more difficult. Activities that most people do with little thought often bring me to tears, paralyze me physically and mentally, spark in me a panic that has sent me to the ER at times.
I am a recovering hoarder. This stems from my General Anxiety, poverty, as well as PTSD from losing a lot of our possessions to water damage in a house we lived in (that wasn't really up to code), losing my Dad and ALL of his possessions - some of which were stolen by his landlord (I have had a LOT of trouble with landlords), being homeless, couch surfing, never feeling like I had a HOME, and other similar situations. I CLING to my possessions, and consider most of them to be "prized". I'm also incredibly sentimental. I do not apologize for this.
To add to my struggles to let things go, I am an avid penpaller. I started in January of 2016, and never looked back. I have dear Friendos and adopted family on other continents! I have learned so much about the world, humanity, and the lives and perspectives of others through this "hobby". I am a better human thanks to the honesty, vulnerability, and friendship of my penpals.
Because of my inability to get rid of my *STUFF*, our home started to resemble a sardine can. My Beloved Matt struggled with this, as anyone would. However, they have ALWAYS been exceptionally respectful and calm and gentle with me as I have been crushed under the weight of my anxiety, my complete paralysis, and my guilt about putting them through all of it.
We also have been living with a pest problem. I will leave it at this description, in the interest of not triggering anyone. A lot of my belongings have been damaged from it. My self-esteem has also been damaged. Our ability to be carefree and go out and do things at our whims has been damaged. Basically, it has affected EVERYTHING. AND worse, we have not been able to fully get it under control, because of my inability to "just" get rid of my stuff. I have been working on letting go of the sentimental attachment to every thing I've ever owned in therapy. I am very proud to say, it has helped tremendously. We are quickly approaching the end of this HORRIBLE chapter of our lives, and I couldn't be happier about it!
It's also worth noting, I've had to stop my Bullet Journaling - as well as penpalling - due to this. The loss of "My Brain" (BuJo) AND the support and love from my penpals and Friendos has been devastating to my mental wellness and resilience.
In short, *where* I have been is absolutely DROWNING in my Depression, Anxiety, "STUFF", Guilt, Shame, Frustration, and most of the other negative emotions you can imagine. I've been blinded by loneliness. I've been so fucking SAD!!!
I have missed you. And I WILL be back soon!! Please take a second to visit my Online Address Book at: https://www.postable.com/izzybee , to ensure I have your address for when I resume writing! I'll send you a birthday card if you add your birthday in it, too! Thank you!!
Please remember to drink some water, stop scrolling, and love yourself with the same ferocity that you love others! You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are.
Love,
Izzy
I've AGONIZED over what/how much to tell you about where I've been. In the interest of my sanity, respect for you, and my unflinching goal of vulnerability, I am going to tell you the truth - what *my* reality has been. I hope you are able to understand to some degree, and forgive me.
I mentioned my mental illnesses in the Introduction to my blog, because they impact me every day, sometimes all day. I have been *in treatment* for them for over 20 years. This has included Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and a smorgasbord of medications, cocktails of medications, etc. I was misdiagnosed, and only got the correct diagnosis of BiPolar 2 on July 2nd, 2024. So, the majority of the 20 years of my treatment haven't been super effective. This is a whole separate discussion, and I will make a post about it at some point.
Because of my Brain (I capitalize it because I feel it is its own entity, and NOT governed by me.), I have difficulties with various aspects of my life. I also have C-PTSD, which makes most things more difficult. Activities that most people do with little thought often bring me to tears, paralyze me physically and mentally, spark in me a panic that has sent me to the ER at times.
I am a recovering hoarder. This stems from my General Anxiety, poverty, as well as PTSD from losing a lot of our possessions to water damage in a house we lived in (that wasn't really up to code), losing my Dad and ALL of his possessions - some of which were stolen by his landlord (I have had a LOT of trouble with landlords), being homeless, couch surfing, never feeling like I had a HOME, and other similar situations. I CLING to my possessions, and consider most of them to be "prized". I'm also incredibly sentimental. I do not apologize for this.
To add to my struggles to let things go, I am an avid penpaller. I started in January of 2016, and never looked back. I have dear Friendos and adopted family on other continents! I have learned so much about the world, humanity, and the lives and perspectives of others through this "hobby". I am a better human thanks to the honesty, vulnerability, and friendship of my penpals.
Because of my inability to get rid of my *STUFF*, our home started to resemble a sardine can. My Beloved Matt struggled with this, as anyone would. However, they have ALWAYS been exceptionally respectful and calm and gentle with me as I have been crushed under the weight of my anxiety, my complete paralysis, and my guilt about putting them through all of it.
We also have been living with a pest problem. I will leave it at this description, in the interest of not triggering anyone. A lot of my belongings have been damaged from it. My self-esteem has also been damaged. Our ability to be carefree and go out and do things at our whims has been damaged. Basically, it has affected EVERYTHING. AND worse, we have not been able to fully get it under control, because of my inability to "just" get rid of my stuff. I have been working on letting go of the sentimental attachment to every thing I've ever owned in therapy. I am very proud to say, it has helped tremendously. We are quickly approaching the end of this HORRIBLE chapter of our lives, and I couldn't be happier about it!
It's also worth noting, I've had to stop my Bullet Journaling - as well as penpalling - due to this. The loss of "My Brain" (BuJo) AND the support and love from my penpals and Friendos has been devastating to my mental wellness and resilience.
In short, *where* I have been is absolutely DROWNING in my Depression, Anxiety, "STUFF", Guilt, Shame, Frustration, and most of the other negative emotions you can imagine. I've been blinded by loneliness. I've been so fucking SAD!!!
I have missed you. And I WILL be back soon!! Please take a second to visit my Online Address Book at: https://www.postable.com/izzybee , to ensure I have your address for when I resume writing! I'll send you a birthday card if you add your birthday in it, too! Thank you!!
Please remember to drink some water, stop scrolling, and love yourself with the same ferocity that you love others! You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are.
Love,
Izzy