Waxing Poetic About Life

My Friendos of ALL Varieties - especially my Beloved Penpals,

I've AGONIZED over what/how much to tell you about where I've been. In the interest of my sanity, respect for you, and my unflinching goal of vulnerability, I am going to tell you the truth - what *my* reality has been. I hope you are able to understand to some degree, and forgive me.

I mentioned my mental illnesses in the Introduction to my blog, because they impact me every day, sometimes all day. I have been *in treatment* for them for over 20 years. This has included Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and a smorgasbord of medications, cocktails of medications, etc. I was misdiagnosed, and only got the correct diagnosis of BiPolar 2 on July 2nd, 2024. So, the majority of the 20 years of my treatment haven't been super effective. This is a whole separate discussion, and I will make a post about it at some point.

Because of my Brain (I capitalize it because I feel it is its own entity, and NOT governed by me.), I have difficulties with various aspects of my life. I also have C-PTSD, which makes most things more difficult. Activities that most people do with little thought often bring me to tears, paralyze me physically and mentally, spark in me a panic that has sent me to the ER at times.

I am a recovering hoarder. This stems from my General Anxiety, poverty, as well as PTSD from losing a lot of our possessions to water damage in a house we lived in (that wasn't really up to code), losing my Dad and ALL of his possessions - some of which were stolen by his landlord (I have had a LOT of trouble with landlords), being homeless, couch surfing, never feeling like I had a HOME, and other similar situations. I CLING to my possessions, and consider most of them to be "prized". I'm also incredibly sentimental. I do not apologize for this.
To add to my struggles to let things go, I am an avid penpaller. I started in January of 2016, and never looked back. I have dear Friendos and adopted family on other continents! I have learned so much about the world, humanity, and the lives and perspectives of others through this "hobby". I am a better human thanks to the honesty, vulnerability, and friendship of my penpals.

Because of my inability to get rid of my *STUFF*, our home started to resemble a sardine can. My Beloved Matt struggled with this, as anyone would. However, they have ALWAYS been exceptionally respectful and calm and gentle with me as I have been crushed under the weight of my anxiety, my complete paralysis, and my guilt about putting them through all of it.

We also have been living with a pest problem. I will leave it at this description, in the interest of not triggering anyone. A lot of my belongings have been damaged from it. My self-esteem has also been damaged. Our ability to be carefree and go out and do things at our whims has been damaged. Basically, it has affected EVERYTHING. AND worse, we have not been able to fully get it under control, because of my inability to "just" get rid of my stuff. I have been working on letting go of the sentimental attachment to every thing I've ever owned in therapy. I am very proud to say, it has helped tremendously. We are quickly approaching the end of this HORRIBLE chapter of our lives, and I couldn't be happier about it!

It's also worth noting, I've had to stop my Bullet Journaling - as well as penpalling - due to this. The loss of "My Brain" (BuJo) AND the support and love from my penpals and Friendos has been devastating to my mental wellness and resilience.

In short, *where* I have been is absolutely DROWNING in my Depression, Anxiety, "STUFF", Guilt, Shame, Frustration, and most of the other negative emotions you can imagine. I've been blinded by loneliness. I've been so fucking SAD!!!

I have missed you. And I WILL be back soon!! Please take a second to visit my Online Address Book at: https://www.postable.com/izzybee , to ensure I have your address for when I resume writing! I'll send you a birthday card if you add your birthday in it, too! Thank you!!


Please remember to drink some water, stop scrolling, and love yourself with the same ferocity that you love others! You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are.

Love,
Izzy